An image of a microwave.
And, lo, Kevin spoketh and truth flowed.

I have searched far and wide, high and low for a microwave. But in my travels, I have discovered only human err.

Microwaves are all the same. That is, they are all flawed – simple extensions of their flawed creators.

A perfect microwave requires rising above human mediocrity. The principles exist, and they are as follows:

He enlightened us —

The Microwave Manifesto

  1. General Operation / Design

    1. Should have a handle, not a janky button to open the door.
    2. The Start button should also be +30 seconds, no need for a separate button. I should be able to push this button as much as I want, at any time.
    3. When the microwave is done, it should go “beep.” No rejected tracks from an 8-bit video game, no Hitcherhiker’s Guide-esque “It was a pleasure to irradiate your food for you” voice over. If the door hasn’t opened for a set amount of time after it has completed cooking (3-5 minutes), it may beep one more time.
    4. The digital display should be immediately below the surface, not set back where you can only see part of the numbers when looking at it from more than a 5 degree angle off center
    5. Clock is optional. No one needs yet another thing glowing all night long, but some people are scared of the dark (and maybe scared of looking in a random direction without seeing another clock).
    6. Timer is also optional. The 50% of my household that is not me thinks they are mandatory.
    7. Inverters were invented in 1925. They aren’t new or novel, and should be standard on all non-basic microwaves.

  2. Basic Microwave

    1. Two buttons. +30 and Cancel. I would also accept Go and Stop.

  3. Standard Microwave

    1. Buttons: 10-key, +30 / Start, Cancel, and Power Level.
    2. Bonus buttons: No stupid pre-sets, but a few “memory” buttons that let you save a time and power level. For people who can remember more than two decades back, think “speed-dial for microwaves”.

  4. I Spent Too Much On My Microwave

    1. Congratulations, you are the owner of a luxury microwave. Unfortunately, physics works the same for you.
    2. LCD or OLED screen. This doesn’t add value, but you spent more money so hey why not.
    3. Ok so we have an LCD screen I guess we should use it for something. It, um, has a little anime cat that dances while your food is cooking. Yeah. Luxury.
    4. Since we have this screen we can use, now your memory buttons are just in a list that you can pick from, so you can have unlimited ones. And give them cute names. Or just pick from a set of very questionable emoji pre-sets.
    5. ALSO since we have the screen, your pre-sets can now basically be programs. 1 minute at 50% power, then 45 seconds at full power, then 1:23 at 30% power.

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